Friday, September 08, 2006

Bye For Now

My internet access disappeared late this morning, so I'm sitting in front of a Panera restaurant to post this.

No pictures today. As a matter of fact, I'm in such a downward spiral emotionally, it will be best if I don't post in my blog, answer the phone, or check email for awhile.

I've been trying to be chipper for those who've called, but I just don't have it in me, and I can't keep wearing yet another mask. (Have I mentioned how much I really hate masks?) So I'm gonna drop off the radar for awhile.

Total honesty: I have never felt so absolutely alone as I do right now. In my entire life, I've never felt so abandoned, lost, and useless as I do today.

I can acknowledge intellectually that this feeling will someday pass. I can read emails that say "your life hasn't been wasted." I can listen to words of encouragement on the phone. But right now, it just doesn't help. Maybe I'm just Rachel, weeping for her children, refusing to be comforted because they are no more." (Jer. 31:15)

Anyway, I start work on Monday, and I've got years of experience at throwing myself into projects and tasks to push emotional torment into the background. So don't worry about me - I'll get through this.

And don't freak out if you can't get ahold of me for the next week or two, okay?