A Time For Giving... And A Contest!

There are over six billion human beings on the planet, yet as of this writing only three have sent me Christmas gifts. (This low number does not include senders of Christmas cards, you understand. There are lots of those, but I'm going for the sympathy vote here, so I've chosen to leave them out of the picture.)

I know you feel badly. Really.

But what am I here for, except to help you feel a little better? That's what I'm going to try and do. Not to appease your conscience... but simply to help you fulfill that earnest desire to make atonement for your neglect.

You may feel condemned that you've put it off too long. Let me reassure you: it's not too late. A quick internet shopping spree, a tip of the hat to UPS's three-day air service, and you'll make it. I know you can do it...

Lacking clever gift ideas? Again, no worries... my wishlist is just a mouse click away (over there... on the right). Currently featuring ten items guaranteed to make my life better, which by default may make your life more fulfilled. Or at least allow you to live with less guilt.

Strapped for loads of Christmas cash? Better hurry, 'cause the cheaper gifts are going fast. At least in a manner of speaking. (The manner of speaking that they call "lying.")

The first (and only, I might add) gift given to me from my wishlist was a set of little rubber feet to replace those which fell off my Mac PowerBook. Five tiny round rubber bits with sticky stuff on one side delivered in a colorfully-wrapped box with a bow. And I'm happy as can be. What a great reminder that cheap gifts are welcome when they're requested!

But as I said, those inexpensive items are disappearing at an alarming rate. (Translation: I'm alarmed they're not disappearing at much of a rate at all.)

Now, in a few minutes, I'll be headed out to a Christmas party. I do expect to be coming home with a present from this event: the infamous "white elephant" gift.

I've never been the recipient of a genuine albino pachyderm - those rare and sacred symbols of royal power. No, it's usually a regifted item. Sometimes, it's something quite nice. Other times, it's a crocheted hat or something equally laughable.

I'm sure you'll be interested to hear what I get.

Really interested.

Is it eating at your very core now? Good. What a great carrot to hold in front of you as an added incentive to buy me something!

So, here's the deal: you send me something on my wishlist, and I'll e-mail you a jen-yoo-ein photo of my white elephant gift in GIF or JPEG format.

But wait, there's more! In the interest of sparking a bit of friendly gifting competition, the person who sends me the item with the highest retail value will receive in return THE ACTUAL WHITE ELEPHANT ITEM! (Make sure to include your shipping address. Allow six to eight weeks for me to get around to it.) Remember, this gift is yet a mystery, even to me. It's a veritable recreation of the "Lucky Grab Bag" ad in the comic books... "A big surprise awaits you! Imagine what you'll receive!"

Now that the game is in play, you're probably desperately wondering where to ship these benefactions. ("Benefaction" is a fancy old word for "gift." I just got tired of using the same word repeatedly.) Just send 'em to the church address (9209 Ridge Road, Cheyenne, WY 82009) to my attention. I'll be sure to get them there.

And, come to think of it, that'll be a good place for me to be anyway, since all this coveting probably warrants a bit of repentance.