Monday, July 11, 2011

I Wish

It's been easily two or three years since I've written anything from my heart on this blog page. Whether it's unwelcome or overdue doesn't matter to me, 'cause here it comes anyway.

When asked what they'd wish for, a lot of people come up with the impossible. Some say they'd wish for unlimited riches, movie star fame, or ridiculously beautiful appearance. Others would wish they had a magic "undo" button that would let them back up every time they made a mistake, or for superpowers like the ability to fly or become invisible.

My wishes, on the other hand, aren't impossible. Given enough time spent, effort expended, hours studied, etc., any number of my wishes could actually come true. But at age 44, I realize it's likely that not one of them actually will. I'm too scattered, my attention divided between too many things. Too much water under the bridge, too much respect lost, too many mistakes made. Boundaries too tight, opportunities too limited, motivation too scarce, education too expensive, time too short.

So here's a random selection of wishes from my list of possible - yet highly unlikely - wishes:

- I wish I could draw human figures in action like John Buscema could. Just flowing from my brain through a pencil and onto the paper. To make a few lines suddenly just come alive.

- I wish I had a wide vocal range. Being a low tenor with a four-octave range like Bruce Dickinson would let me sing just about anything I could imagine.

- I wish I was one of those instantly likable guys. Outgoing, big smile, the sort of person that's popular simply because he's a nice guy that makes you feel good to be around him.

- I wish I made more money. Not a ton more - just like 20k more a year. Not to change my class, or to get a bigger or better anything. I've never needed stuff or status. I just want to not fear things like needing new tires for the cars soon, and to feel like I'm being paid for the quality and intelligence I bring to my job every day.

- I wish I enjoyed weightlifting and running. I know I feel better as a result of doing these things, but I'd just like to not dread and hate every minute of them.

- I wish I had close friends close by. I hate that even after living here for five years, there is almost literally no one I can call and say, "Hey, let's grill steaks tonight," or "What fun thing are we doing this weekend?"

- I wish I was perceived as a problem solver striving for excellence in everything. I think my intolerance for ineptitude and desire to see people do their best is usually seen as ranting or complaining. Why are the lazy popular? Why are the clueless elevated? Why are the intelligent incredulous? Bah, enough said about that.

- I wish I was a real musician. Not the one I've been pretending to be for the last thirty years, but someone with a thorough knowledge of theory, the ability to improvise, to harmonize, to sit down at a piano and play the music on the sheet in front of me.

- I wish I fit in somewhere. I'm not nerdy enough for the nerd crowd, not artsy enough for the artists' scene, and not musical enough for the musicians. I'm too transparent for the Christian crowd, and have too much religious history for the metalheads. I'm too fat for the popular folks, too temperate for the drinkers, and too old for the people I seem to relate to most. Too quick-witted for the dullards, but too slow for the improv. Too low on the totem pole for managers, too uneducated for the university grads, too ugly for the beautiful, too poor for the upper crust. Too liberal for the right, too conservative for the left, too opinionated for the center.

- And lastly, I wish I didn't stay up past midnight thinking about all the things I wish I could do, wish I could learn, and wish I was.

24 Comments:

At 12:33 AM, Anonymous DH said...

I wish you wrote honest thoughts more often...

 
At 11:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nothing like knowing who you are and being able to communicate it.

Shaun.

 
At 3:41 PM, Blogger Adam Byers said...

I've felt the same way about a lot of the same issues for many years. I'm not good enough for almost anything. Another way to say it: "Cream of the crap!"

 
At 3:29 PM, Blogger WyLadyK said...

An honest list, even if you are a tad bit too hard on yourself. I just hope you don't forget that there are still folks out here from long ago and far away who still love and pray for you.
RK and CK

 
At 2:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow!! That’s a pretty heavy list and if I’m being honest I think a lot of people including myself can identify with it. But I feel compelled to tell you something…I have lived all my life in the Middle East but I’m an Indian… I have searched and desired long and hard for a bible study that would cover every chapter and verse in the bible, after six years of searching I finally found your site (I know some books are not complete)... but you cannot imagine how much it has built me up on the inside. Truth be told I don’t think I’d agree with you’re list because who you are today without all that is the person who has invested time and effort in helping the saints understand the living word and there are thousands upon thousands who would have that one quality on the top of their wish list….you are all that you can be and more if you choose to look at it that way… God Bless you in everyway….

Melanie

 
At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I went to your site today to study Kings and I could not find it. I was devastated. I've been studying through your site for several months now because I have found no one who explains it in a way that resonates with my spirit like you. I have learned so much and have grown much closer to the Lord more in the last several months than I've had my entire life. Ron, you are such a blessing to me and it saddens me to see your Words. But I totally understand the feelings because I've been there. We all have. I hope today 9-3-11, you are doing better. I will pray for you regardless. You are my friend in Jesus Christ.

-Candice

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger Sandra said...

Ha, Ron! Boy do I understand the misfit sentiment, as well as the not living up to one's potential. I will always feel that way myself, but I get tired of feeling sorry for myself because I am a misfit. I am cultivating an attitude of gratitude for being different- after all, a good business grows the most from a healthy mixture of people who are not alike! And people just don't know what they are missing when they don't know me! :) Weren't you the one that said that we will all get it together just before we died? I think we won't get it all together until we are in heaven and have a new body. Maybe you will be that awesome musician then! I was just visiting your website because my son, Christopher, (you remember him, right?)is interested in learning bass guitar. I remembered you had some neat "skins", and thought I would look for them and dream.

May God bless you with sleep tonight!
Sandra Wright

 
At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Human Paradox said...

Hi Ron. I identify myself so much with your thoughts... i also feel i have never totally belonged anywhere... i also have been living my life divided between my Christian beliefs and Metal... The "Do or Die" album is one of my top 10 favourites ever! People simply don´t understand that someone likes Metal despite the lyrics... the music is mind-blowing to me, but i have total knowledge of the lyrics meanings, although i simply don´t want to care about it because i like the music no matter what lyrics it may have... i think you had incredible guts to quit the band for your beliefs, but i´m also happy about Viking´s return with you and Matt back in action, so i think i will always be a human paradox (great band by the way, PARADOX). I think we will hardly belong anywhere mainly because of that division, that limit our choices in many, many ways... it´s like what you refered about the impossible... we want the best of both worlds, but it is written that we cannot be in both sides and prevail... however, i look forward to own and hear your new album! Old school thrash is my favourite, has i prefer bands like Viking, Destruction, Sodom, Acid Reign, D.R.I., M.O.D., S.O.D., Paradox, Dark Angel (great duet you done!) rather to the new so-called "Metal"... the late 80´s, the gold age of true metal! And to finish, i would like to leave a quote of the movie "Transformers", related to Viking´s return... "WE ARE HERE. WE ARE WAITING." Big hug and keep in mind that are people out there who fully understands what you´re going through! Thanks for all you´ve done

 
At 12:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My 80 year old dad called me today rejoicing that my 70 year old step mother just finished top in her class. She decided to get her CNA license after trying to supplement their income by getting a job at a nearby hospital. She had never gone to college and was at first discouraged but dad encouraged her to try it. She did and well She did! :) "those who don't try, won't" just a quote from an old dog.... I find the more I learn, the more I don't know.... but I am so glad I am given the desire to learn more..... Glory to God!!! God Bless!!!!

 
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At 2:13 AM, Blogger jennifer anderson said...

all things are possible

 
At 6:00 AM, Anonymous wensiljon said...

Great post. I love it! Good job.

 
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At 3:14 PM, Anonymous Cindy said...

I wish you would get back into teaching from the pulpit...you were the best I had heard and truly miss your approach to bringing people to a saving knowledge of our Lord and Savior.
Cindy

 
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At 5:25 PM, Blogger krisandkids said...

I don't know if your still available. I wanted you to know how much your studies have helped me. When I'm reading through the bible and get hung up on something I just open your page and more times than not I get an explanation I understand.
Thank you for your ministry. 2-5-14

 
At 7:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wanted to let you know, how much your bible studies have helped me grow in my walk with Christ. You provide such clarity. The Word of the Lord, shall not return void. I am praying for you.

 
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