Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Climb Another Hill

It started raining today - a good hard rain. Cloudbursts have erupted several times this afternoon - those flash flood kind of rains that fill the building with deafening sound. The kind of downpour that practically forces you to stand up and go look out a window.

I'm in my apratment now with a dull headache, sitting at my desk and looking out a large window. Outside one of these hard rains is diminishing to a mere sprinkle. It's darker than it should be, but just from the overhang of clouds. There's still plenty of daylight left, even as 8pm approaches. I notice for the first time this year that the greenery has all come back. All the trees are at various stages of budding out with new leaves.

Everything is wet and dripping, reminding me very much of Oregon. Making me think of all the directions I could have steered my life when I was young and first out on my own. Looking back over the last twenty years, and all the crossroads I've faced. It's a little painful - not depressing necessarily, but it is quite solemn.

As I reflect on such things, I wonder what the reason is for my melancholy. After all, I had an amazing month at work. Without divilging the details, I basically had expected to score a 9.5 for April, and instead finished at 26.6 (higher is better).

But that kind of success is fleeting here. It's gone with the turn of the calendar page. It reminds me of playing a show in front of a great crowd - a concert where every song's finish produces its own climax of cheers and whistles. A show where the most beautiful woman in the room falls for the rock star...

But then, the show is over, the woman is gone, and all that's left is the teardown, the aftershow headache, and - as Bob Seger put it - "the echo from the amplifiers ringing in your head." It's the worst sort of post-success syndrome. Everything here resets on the first of the month, and the uphill climb starts again.

Too many things in life are like that. Way too many things.


At 9:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think your melancholy is due in part to your age as well as your recent past. You and I are about the same age and for the last few years I have been reliving past decisions that I now realize led to alot of regret. I know God works it all out for his good purpose, but while we are in the flesh, its so difficult not to look back and think "if I'd only..." This comment isn't really meant to cheer you up, just to let you know that you are not alone.

A Calvary Chapel Cheyenne brother


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